Last, but not least

This will be the last "regular" update to this blog. I feel I've now poured it all out, and I'm very conscious that it could easily descend into pathos. I will probably post again, but only as and when.

So, this one is devoted to one subject only.... my beautiful darling Tina. Believe me, this will be by far the hardest to write.

Where to start? We had "met" on the internet...... yes folks, an internet romance! We chatted, without going into too many personal details, for a while, and eventually arranged to meet. Tina had left her husband and was living in Wrexham, and I met her in a pub car park. I was standing by my car when she walked round the corner. I saw her because I was looking at every female who came past, and immediately carried on looking for someone else. Then she stopped and looked round and then looked at me, and I thought "No way, it can't be her!" She sort of smiled, I sort of smiled, and she walked over,  and we said hello. She was so beautiful, so ethereal, that I can't begin to describe my thoughts.

We went for a walk in a local park, and right from the off we were comfortable with each other, chatting as if this was just a normal everyday chat between good friends. We sat for ages, and then it was time to go. Tina didn't want me to take her back, so I was walking her back to the pub, and we stopped by a tall wooden fence and kissed. Tina was leaning back against the fence, and when the kiss ended we just looked at each other. It was then I noticed that the fence had been painted with anti-vandal paint, and this was now all over the back of her top! Mills & Boon eat your hearts out! What made it even better was that I was totally mortified, and she just laughed.

I knew from the very start that Tina was what I wanted, and luckily she felt the same. So here we are 12 years later, just coming up to our 10th wedding anniversary. I can honestly say this time with Tina has been the happiest of my life. We are not perfect, but I think we are perfect together. We haven't had any real arguments, mainly because she has me twisted round her little finger, and can "persuade" me into most things.

So when our world was turned upside down last September, and all our plans went out of the window, how did we cope? Tina did not take it well. Despite my oncologist making it very clear that any treatment was palliative only, she was looking for  a cure. It has taken her a fair while to realise that a "cure" = a miracle, possible I guess, but highly unlikely. But she has worked through this in her own way, and I am so proud of the way she handled it.

From the start she appointed herself my carer, and woe betide anyone or anything she perceived as not being good for me. In this phase she could have disposed of a pack of hungry wolves with no major problems; she was relentless. Gradually, over the months, she "relaxed" into her new role, and now she is my appointments secretary and alarm reminder with a dash of nurse thrown in.

A lot of people have told me how "brave" I am, how "well" I'm coping with this bastard disease. Well,  let's get it straight once and for all. I am NOT brave! For me bravery means having a choice of actions, and choosing to do the right thing. I don't have a choice, I've got it so I have to deal with it. Coping "well", really what's the alternative? Curl up in a corner weeping and wailing and wait to die? No thanks. My beloved Tina is the brave one; she is the one who has had to learn to cope, and I couldn't be more proud of her. She has kept me strong, even in the worst periods; she has kept me sane when I've wavered; she has been by my side taking every step with me. Occasionally I will catch her unawares, and see the look of pain, or uncertainty, or stress on her lovely face. This is when I really, really hate this bloody cancer, for what it's doing to my beloved.

I have been so in love with Tina ever since we met, and I often told her "I couldn't love you any more than I do". But I was wrong. My love for her has deepened, become ever more special, and continues to grow. I don't think I've ever really understood the term "soul-mate" until the past nine months or so. But I know exactly what it means now.