Musings on Life

To say that life changes after a serious cancer diagnosis may seem self-evident. I guess that most people affected by cancer will know that you don't get told "You've got six months" or " You have a year". First you have to fight to get any sort of prognosis, and then, when you do get one, it is always vague, couched in terms of averages. This is understandable from a medical point of view; every cancer is different, every one diagnosed is an individual, and it's likely that all the medical staff are wary of complaints. I know there are some people out there who don't want to know this sort of thing, and this is not a criticism of them, but this is the single most difficult thing for me to cope with.

I was given an original prognosis of an average of six months WITHOUT ANY  TREATMENT. This has "moved" several times for me; with chemo/radiotherapy I was told maybe another 6 months; after the treatment, when Horace had shrunk, my oncologist was talking about "a couple of years down the line", and now we have the metastases to cope with, and everything is up in the air again. This "uncertainty" was, and is,  hard for us to deal with.

Life from 18th September 2012 has become a series of goals. It briefly flitted through my mind "Will I see Christmas", but only very briefly. Then it became Tina's birthday, then my birthday at the end of this month (when I officially become a dirty old man and collect my Old Age Pension, finally getting some money out of this damn government!). I reckon I'll make this one! New goal - Christmas again. To paraphrase Bob the Builder, "Will we make it? YES, WE WILL!"

Of course, each milestone in your life becomes sharply poignant, because it may just be the last one. Choosing Christmas presents for Tina became a mission, they had to be just right. Tina's kids (another amazing source of support) organised a birthday party for her in April (No! I can't tell you how old she was, because she'll hit me!) and at this party, we renewed our wedding vows. We stood holding hands, with Tina digging her nails into my palm to stop me from losing it! I watched the video, and my bottom lip was quivering all the way through. Which leads me on to another change.

I've always been quite emotional, although it doesn't always show on the outside. Now I am positively hormonal, and tears come at the drop of a hat! I don't think I've been too hard to live with (although you'd really have to ask Tina). Even in this, we complement each other. I tend to downplay things (although I'm getting better at not doing this), so when a doctor/nurse asks "How have you been", I would always reply "I'm good" or "not too bad". Tina, on the other hand would tell it like it is.......... in detail! In our life she has taken on another role as my carer, and boy, does she care! There is no escape from her beady eye...........

I do however manage to escape from her clutches most days when I walk the hounds, the other great passion in my life. We have two ex-racing greyhounds which were rescued by The Retired Greyhound Trust. Boss, my big boy, is 10.5 years old, and Tilly, my little lady is 7.5 years old. They are my non-judgemental therapists, and when we stop for a rest on our walk, I talk to them non-stop about anything that's on my mind. I usually get back home a lot clearer headed than when I left.

Looking back, I have had a good life. Like most people, there are some things I would change, but overall I can't complain. I'm not perfect (just damn near!), and I hesitate to give advice, but consider this if you will.

You, as an individual, exist thanks to a series of chance happenings which make winning the lottery look like a sure fire, odds on, certainty. I'm not even going to mention the odds against Earth forming in the way it did to allow us to exist. Just think about two things. First, a certain arrangement of elements forms a certain collection of atoms, which combine in a certain way to become sperm and ova. One out of around 25 million spermatozoa fertilised an egg to produce YOU! What are the chances? Second, there have been eons when you, as an individual, did not exist. There will be eons after you die when things will go on without you. These  periods of time are unimaginable, and in the great scheme of things, you are born, live your life and die in a flash.

So, having beaten all the odds to be here, and being here for such a short time, don't you think you should treasure every moment?