Just to clear the air.

My last posting was for my benefit, not for yours. It helped me get my head around this whole thing, but really it was just a list of events. So I thought why not get some musings down. So here they are:-

Surprisingly enough I am not overly sad despite the bombshell. I've had a good life. There have been struggles, good times, bad times and all the times in between, no different to those of you reading this. I have a wonderful family - make that 2 wonderful families - that I am so proud of, and the most wonderful, loving wife any man could ask for. So I have no reason to complain about my life. I'm not a great believer in hindsight, and even now when I look back on my life there are very few things I would change.

The chances of my getting onto a trial seem quite remote, and for the first time since all this started I have felt intimations of mortality. I have checked my body very carefully and I can't find an expiry date anywhere, but every ache and pain, every cough and every change in mood is now forensically dissected. Is it Horace and Co., or is it just me. I hope this passes because I don't have time to spend worrying about things out of my control.

Now, this may be too much information for some of you, but it is not meant to offend. Tina and I have always been very "physical", but for past year this has been lacking, mainly due to my physical condition, but also because emotionally it just wouldn't have been "right". Despite this (or perhaps because of this) I still feel we have grown closer and closer. Talking has replaced action, a goodnight cuddle has become so precious, and random unsolicited hugs are an absolute joy. To sit side by side on the sofa in the evenings holding hands fills me with such a deep sense of contentment and well-being that it is relatively easy to forget everything else for a while. We still have our "Smith & Jones" chats in the kitchen, and I don't think we are ever closer than this, both of us really showing our deepest emotions.

I still try hard to look forward rather than back, and my current "goal" is to reach Christmas in a relatively good state. Before that, Jason and Katie are coming over from the Isle of Man to see us, and last night I took the family out for a meal, 5 kids and their partners/wives, and our 2 grandchildren, Olivia and Isaac. It was wonderful to have them all at the table with us.

I now have a vast array of medical personnel looking after me; out-patient at Oncology, out-patient at the hospice, GP, District Nurses, Lung Nurses, and very soon a Macmillan Nurse. I guess I'll be seeing more and more of these people as time goes on. But for now, allowing for the shortness of breath and lack of energy, I am feeling relatively well, and intend to stay this way as long as possible.

I'll finish now by once again thanking my family and friends for all the love and support you've given me on this advenure. I love you all.